I’ve been quieter than normal lately. I use to write almost every day. Writing is a rarity right now. My life has slowed down immensely. And with the slowing down comes the ability to feel pain more deeply. Realizing I’m at risk of “over sharing”, I’m excluding a lot, but writing any way. Normally I’d wait till there’s a pretty bow tied on top and the ending is clear or that God has sealed the season with something very specific and maybe others would be encouraged with it. But now, I share in the midst of my own freshly broken, messy heart. Because maybe someone needs to know that God isn’t gonna let them go either.

About 7 months ago I remember praying very specifically – God what ever it takes. I just want you. I’m not afraid. I want to see You and be used by You. 4 months prior to that, I told God that I couldn’t handle what He was showing me….like I knew better than Him. Come on. But I asked Him to hold off. And after a few months rolled by and God had strengthened my heart, I prayed, “whatever it takes, God.” What my plan did not entail was that “what ever it takes” might mean me breaking.

If chapters of our lives have titles, May and June 2015 could be called “The Freak Out Months”. What am I supposed to DO? My mind knew that everything was wrong. Spiritually, everything was off. How am I supposed to fix this!? I felt darkness so close to me. I felt dirty and my heart felt cold. I could (and did) think about God all day but could not talk to Him and certainly not hear from Him. I could acknowledge Him but almost be too afraid to want Him. The thoughts that ran through my mind are scarier to me now that they were then. Things like, “maybe I’ve gotten to do and see and be a part of all there is”, “maybe God is finished with me”, “maybe I will get in a freak accident and die because He’s done with me.” In the state of mind I was in, I really believed these things could be true. Lies. They’re lies from the enemy. But still, I was perplexed. In our Christian culture, we often refer to people going from death to life, darkness to light, old to new – always in the context of before following Jesus/being a Christian (death, darkness, old, non-Christian) to after following Jesus (life, light, new). These are true and right and in scripture. So how could my current reality be so?

Recently a friend said to me, “You are in a better place than you realize. You are feeling your need for a Savior.” We talked about the human condition to cover our issues and keep up with appearances. Pride. I think pride is more blinding than the enemy. The pride is mine. The deception is from the enemy. I was unable to see my sin and brokenness and I believe my unintentional pride was the reason. I wasn’t purposely prideful or willfully blind. That’s why pride is so dangerous. You can’t even see it sometimes. And I think that’s a lot of why the last 4 months have transpired the way they have. God allowed me to break. To get to my lowest. So I could see that even me, this girl who’d grown up in church since she was a few weeks old, who went to every VBS and summer camp and then led them all, who led worship at FCA and took high school girls on retreats during college, who worked for a ministry and a church with unparalleled impact, who’d seen God move in ways she never even knew to dream of. Even that girl had the deepest need, practically and daily, for a Savior.

So be encouraged today. I don’t have a pretty bow and God is still working out a lot in me through this season, but I have Jesus. And you do too. And today, that’s enough. And tomorrow it will be too. Savior, be near.

He is the anchor.