Staring at the white expanse on the page for 15 minutes, I am reminded that I can be pretty bad at beginnings. Bad at writing the first sentence of an email {or blog}, bad at first dates, bad at the first part of a new season. Next week will mark 6 months since the ending of one season of my life and beginning another.

A couple of friends reached out after I left my job, which effectively meant leaving life as I knew it, and gave what almost seemed like a warning – to give myself lots of grace for the days ahead. I was grateful for the admonition from those who’d walked a road I had not, but the deep sadness I felt was paired with a strong confidence of knowing I had been obedient to what God had asked me to do. Well, that lasted for a solid 2 weeks (1 of which was spent in Cancun) and then began the unraveling. Questioning God. 8 million “why’s” and a state of being I hope I never go back to were followed by a darkness and distance that caused me to press pause on God. It’s ugly and messed up. I didn’t know I could do that. The worst kind of surprise. After fighting what had been the biggest spiritual battle of my life, I thought God would cut me a break. That there would be a little ease, but there was very much the opposite. For that, maybe I was mad at God. Or frustrated. Or disappointed or all of those things.

A few months ago, 2 friends and I went on the best, well timed trip to London. At the Winston Churchill museum I read a quote about him that said, “He is lost (perhaps we all are) in this strange post-war world.” Its stunned me. I stared at it for the longest because right there, etched in stone was exactly how I felt.

It’s still fresh. Impossible to articulate clearly. Most things are “in the middle”, right? I’ve learned that the unraveling was necessarily. The poor decisions I made in the process were not, but He’s using it nonetheless. When I thought I’d come to the end of me, there was still more to strip away. And only good can come from that.

I’m more thankful than ever for those words months ago and I now know what my friends meant. Churchill has another often quoted phrase, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” God will grace you for that, so you might as well grace yourself for it too. He has brought me to a literal spacious place. The stars shine brighter and the air is cleaner. There are miles of pasture, space to breathe and forced quiet.

God is reordering my life, or maybe He’s right ordering my life. And I am learning to honor the space between. What I once thought was a space between darkness…

…has lingered long enough that the “between” can be more clearly seen as light from light TO light. Glory to glory. He really is doing a new thing.

Tonight I’m thinking about that trip to London and my favorite part – Queen Mary’s Garden at Regent’s Park, the most enchanting place I’ve ever been and some of the most significant moments and words in recent memory.

The entrance in the inner circle of the park…the Jubilee Gates.

And the flowers! Free spirit, Perception, Jam & Jerusalem, Golden Wedding, Commonwealth Glory, Song and Dance, S I G H T  S A V E R.

A pretty magical place, indeed. I am thankful for those moments and the memory of them. I’m thankful for space. Thankful for unlearning and one day I’ll be thankful for the process of it. I’m thankful for unforced rhythms of grace and learning to live a new way.

And one last Churchill quote: “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

Borough Market in London

So, take courage dear friend. Take it by the hand. Even when courage is sitting down to listen to the quiet.

Take courage. The Lord is near.

“Be patient. Take courage. Establish (or strengthen) your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is near.” – James 5:8

He is the Anchor.